Mandy Detwiler and I have a very good working relationship. As well we should — I’ve leaned on her as my managing editor for over a decade now. Like the dude you see driving through your neighborhood to advertise his third-rate roofing service, there’s “no job too big or too small” for Mandy. She does it all. Heck, she even cooks most of the food you see pictured in this magazine in our PT test kitchen.
But there’s one area where we’ve butted heads recently. Or, to be more true to the facts, you could say we’ve had a … beef.
You see, Mandy thinks having a burger on a pizzeria menu is a decent idea. She argues that burgers are easy and inexpensive to make if you have a grill and that, like pizza, just about everyone to ever walk the Earth enjoys them. If they are profitable and satisfy a demand, why not humor your non-pizza-loving guests by letting burgers take up ONE LITTLE SPOT on your menu? Yes, she speaks in all caps sometimes.
Here’s my take: it’s downright un-American, sacrilegious and as anti-pizza as it can possibly get. If you start putting burgers on your menus you might as well add pork chops, fried catfish, orange chicken, sushi, filet mignon, Wurst platters and another 187 menu pages and call yourself Cheesecake Factory Pizza.
Here is a list of things I’d rather see you do than add burgers to your menu:
- Add 1980s video games that constantly malfunction and take money from kids.
- Get a jukebox that plays nothing but Nickleback.
- Deliver dog food and cat food along with your pizza.
- Go to International Pizza Expo and compete in the International Pizza Challenge with a bacon cheeseburger. Not a bacon cheeseburger pizza, mind you. But an actual bacon cheeseburger.
I could go on and on. But help me out here. You see, here’s the problem: Mandy posted a question on our Facebook page a while back. She asked whether adding a burger to the menu was a good idea. About 50 percent of you said it was the DUMBEST IDEA EVER. But the other half of you said you’ve had great results with burgers on your menus.
This is the United States of America. Not the Cold War Soviet Union. We eat pizza at pizzerias, dang it. You think Rocky Balboa serves burgers in that Italian restaurant he runs in the movie, Creed? I think not. You think people eat burgers and hot dogs and popcorn at baseball games, or do you think they eat pizza?
Okay, actually they eat all of the above. But that’s beside the point. The point is that I’m right and the burgers-on-pizzeria-menus lovers are wrong.
E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let me know. Burgers on your menu? Why or why not? Am I defending tradition rightfully so, or just being a square?